Happy Things

The Hair Appointment

“Have a seat right here, dear. Just give me a moment to wash this hair goo off. Ok, now what can I do for you today?—Oh dear lord, baby, your hair is a disaster.”

“I know—turn the mirror away—I can barely even look at it. Last Wednesday a racoon crawled on top of my head and died there. My hair has never been the same since.”

“Well, of course your hair hasn’t been the same; you have a dead raccoon stuck in it.”

“I thought it best to leave to the professionals.”

“Well sure, baby, but you couldn’t come in sooner?”

“Not in planting season. You know, all hands to the fields—every adult, child, or decaying vermin.”

“Don’t you mind. Just put this bib on. I’ll get you right, quick. I’ll go get some gloves.”

“I really can’t thank you enough for taking me on, you know. Will removal be extra?”

“Dead rodent is the same as highlights, I’m afraid.”

“I suppose it’s just as well.”

“But I’ll knock off $5 dollars for you since I’ve had an animal die on me, too, in my past. It can be a terrorizing event.”

“You too? What was it?”

“A horse.”

“A horse?”

” Yes, a horse. I’d taken my ol’ Beauty out for an evening ride on the new country road –Just past the white church, and how’d you like it–right as I told him to turn around, he gave out. Kaput. Fell underneath me. A goner.”

“How strange. Was he very old?”

“Not a day older than twenty-five. When I was twenty-five I was in the prime of my life, way back when. I was up to my waist in mischief–both feet in the very muck of it, I tell you. It made no sense.”

“Perhaps it was on account of your weight?”

“Me? Wait? Well, of course I didn’t wait for a dead horse. That’s nothing doing. If I didn’t walk myself home, I’d be sleeping on the steps of the church to this day. It really was quite traumatic.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. What did you end up doing with it?”

“The horse? –The only practical thing. We bulldozed it over five feet to fill in the hole in the church parking lot. The members had been praying for the means to fill that trap-hole for weeks. God works in mysterious ways, they say. Nothing gave me more joy than to be able to be the answer to their prayers.”

“You must be proud.”

“I was, I was, but stay still now. –There we go. No more dead hairdos. Now let’s start by putting your head in the wash bucket.”

“Oh no, stop! You can’t wash my hair. The egg nest will be ruined!”

“Egg nest?! Now you have a nest in your hair? Girl, I like to refer to myself as county, but what to high heaven is wrong with you?”

“It’s to keep chicken eggs in, obviously. You’ve never done this? Why else did you think a raccoon crawled up there?”

“Can’t say I didn’t wonder. Does that work well?”

“Usually. Until the predators come. They’re smart little buggers. This old raccoon died choking on one of the fake eggs I put in for the snakes.

“Snakes?!” Do they get stuck in your hair then too?”

“From time to time.”

“Yes, well, that looks like all I can do you today, sweetheart. Remember to schedule again in four months. And ask for Lacy. I’ll be busy that day.”






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